Well, I arrived on time

My corduroy suit and me bottle of wine

There were women wall to wall

It's Saturday night and I wanted 'em all, everyone

Sidled up for a dance

I tried a new step and I fell in the plants

I told a joke about the Pope

It wasn't as funny as I would've hoped, don't listen

Nobody told me she was the daughter

Of the mayor, I was so embarrassed

I just wished the ground would swallow me up

And accidentally my elbow hit

The record player, the rock 'n roll

Stopped and everybody just stared, oh no

Who's gonna take me home?

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed

Who's gonna take me home?

This party's gone right to my head, listen boy

I didn't worry, not me

Panic ain't in my vocabulary

Smashed beyond reproach

Suddenly I wanted to take off my clothes

All hell broke loose

I started to take off my trousers and shoes

And so, I tried to look cool

I stepped back and fell in the pool

The hostess helped me out and asked

For my dismissal, I said I was sorry

But I've been under so much pressure just lately, baby

I felt as popular as a Russian guided missile

The last thing I remember, I left with a girl on a motor bike

That weighed three hundred pounds, what's wrong with that?

Who's gonna take me home?

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed

Who's gonna take me home?

This party's gone right to my head, to my head

I woke up on the floor

Still in my suit and she told me, I snored

I never felt so cheap

I had a good laugh at the size of her feet

Holy Moses, I don't like this single living, I think

I'll find me a nice local girl and settle on down, now

With a home and a garden and a nature quite forgiving

Then again maybe I'll just hang around

Who's gonna take me home?

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, right now

Who's gonna take me home?

This party's gone right to my head, to my head

Now, who's gonna take me home?

Hey Brian, could you give me a lift

'Cos I don't live too far from you, boy?

Mary, c'mon I've known you so long

Please give me a lift home, oh c'mon, Jim